I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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