My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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