Soap is not a condiment
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
