so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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