pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
