Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
