I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
