dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
