Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
