Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
