why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
