It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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