pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
