The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
