My sheets look like a crime scene.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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