So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
