her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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