This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
