I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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