why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
