my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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