Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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