Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
