I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
