did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I think I am morally bankrupt
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
