remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
