..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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