OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
