dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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