I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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