why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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