somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
