if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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