Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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