Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
