All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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