Well douche your snatch and let's go!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
