Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
