We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
