we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
