Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
