yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
