We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
