Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
