he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
