pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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