I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
