I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
