Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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