I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
