i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
