nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
