omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
